Wedding Invitation Dilemmas

For everyone from Prince William and Kate Middleton (now the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge) downwards, deciding who to invite to your wedding is a bit of a headache. Admittedly, most of us don't have to worry about which heads of state to invite or how not to offend overseas royalty, but even in the most "ordinary" of families there is always a hefty debate about the recipients of an invitation.

Family comes first?

Often a common methodology for inviting people, the family comes first philosophy is not always the first choice. It can depend on who is doing the inviting and what they are trying to achieve. If you love family events and inviting your second cousin once removed seems to be great way of being inclusive to them all and spreading the goodwill, then this is the methodology for you. It is increasingly falling out of favour with modern couples though. One of these reasons is money - with the increasing costs of a wedding is your occasionally-seen cousin more important than someone you'd rather share the day with? Limited numbers at venues always makes the weighing up of each person a dilemma. With the increasing fragmentation of families across the country, you might not have the desire to include people you don't see often. There is also a change with more modern weddings - there is more likelihood that the people paying for the wedding are the bride and groom rather than the parents. This might be because they are older and have the means to do so. It might be because one or both are not on their first marriage. It might be just because they want control over who the wedding invitations go to by paying the bill! The relationships between parents and family members will be different from those of the son or daughter, and this will affect who gets invited. Modern day couples are more likely to favour friends over family. This was true even for the Royal Wedding, as half of the 2000 guests were friends of the couple.

Plus Ones?

Again, this issue is a tough one. Whilst it may be considered 'normal' to invite couples, even this is under the microscope. If your friend or family member is married or engaged to someone that you don't know very well, do you really have to invite them? In the current day and age, brides and grooms are looking at this detail too; not assuming that being partners means people are joined at the hip and unable to attend an event separately. But not inviting a partner may mean that the invited person might not attend.

Kids or No Kids?

This is also a common one, and depends on personal preference and the inevitable budget and seating constraints. Children are normally included in the total numbers and inviting them may mean you have to drop an adult from your list. Money wise, there is usually no separate cost for junior members who are invited to the wedding breakfast, and you'll have to pay the full adult per head price. It can depend on how many children there are and the facilities available - I've been to a wedding where every child had a specially selected "goodie bag" of toys on their seat when they arrived to keep them occupied, and separate entertainment was arranged during the speeches so they didn't disrupt the formal bit. But to others the idea of having children running around fills them with horror. But again, you may want to consider the consequences of this choice - some people won't come if they can't bring their children with them because they can't make other arrangements.

Do you invite people you know can't come?

So your best friend is in Thailand, or your cousin just emigrated to Australia? Do you invite them even though you are 99% certain they can't make it? This is entirely up to you. Particularly in the family comes first ethos, it can be considered only polite to invite your 88 year old aunt in New Zealand, even though you know she won't fly over. For the cost of an extra invitation and a stamp, you can make someone feel special that you thought of them to share your day with.

What to do if not enough people say yes?

What if you whittled your list down and invited the right number of people, and lots of them say they can't make it? This is an interesting dilemma, and does happen. Some people avoid the issue by inviting more people than needed and hoping that some can't come, but you can get caught out! Other people have a "B-list" (those that narrowly avoided invites the first time round) or go down the route of letting people know their +1 can come when you thought that you wouldn't have room. This might change the minds of some people who said no on the basis that their partner couldn't come. It's also worth tracking down those people who didn't RSVP by the due date, because they might be intending to say yes, and just haven't got around to it. Some venues have a minimum hire charge, and you might end up paying more than needed for the people that do come. In this case most venues will allow you to increase the per head spend or add some extras in order to meet their minimum.

Damon Fullbrook is a freelance writer specialising in writing about weddings. He is currently writing for Luxury Wedding Invitations